This week, I chat a bit about boundaries and share more of my story.
During the events that ultimately led to this podcast (which I’ve talked about in previous episodes), I learned a lot about boundaries. Before that time, I didn’t really know what boundaries were. I was never taught about boundaries in any aspect of my life, prior to that, and I really had no idea that boundaries was a word that related to anything, other than physical property lines. It wasn’t until I was in my 40s and experiencing one of the darkest places in my life that I learned about boundaries.
I first heard about the concept of boundaries while listening to Dave Ramsey. If you’re not familiar with Dave Ramsey, he is a well-known financial coach, in the Nashville area, who speaks, teaches, and encourages others to live a debt-free lifestyle. He has a radio show where people can call in and ask questions. He also has a podcast, a YouTube channel, and has written many books on the subject.
Anyway, during one of his episodes, Dave recommended a book to one of this callers. The book was called Boundaries, by Dr Henry Cloud, and it was the first time I ever remember hearing anything about the art or concept of boundaries. Now, I have read, learned, and written much about boundaries. I love boundaries! And, because I love people but also “admire” rules (I realize that you weren’t able to see the air-quotes that I just put around the word “admire”), but I find that boundaries have become a really great friend to have in my life!
But, not everyone sees boundaries as something good, though. Especially those who tend to be more “me-centered” or manipulative type, so when we begin to set boundaries with these types of people, where boundaries have never been before, there can definitely be pushback and even out-right rebellion on their part.
This was also my experience.
I’ve talked about how I always thought I was crazy, and there were times when I was actually told that I was crazy. However, boundaries has a really great way of exposing who’s really crazy and who’s not. And, if you feel or are being told that you’re crazy, try setting a simple boundary and see how the other person reacts because the way they react can tell a lot about the level of their emotional health.
If you set a boundary, and that other person reacts poorly and even angry, they may respond with hurtful words – like I talked about in my last episode. It’s like taking a favorite toy away from a toddler or not buying them the candy they begged for in the checkout line at Target. If they pitch a fit…in the words of Jeff Foxworthy, “Here’s your sign.”
When we set a boundary, and the other person acts out, it can also seem easier in the moment to just give in and go back to how things were before. I did – over and over and over again – to the point that the other person expected me to give in and knew that if I was worn down enough, or even torn down enough, I’d cave.
And, I did.
And, I did.
And, I did.
Until I didn’t…
And, that’s when the bullets started flying. That’s when the anger really came out. The other person’s true-self really started to show through. I had seen glimpses of this reactionary behavior for as long as I could remember. The anger…the rage… I had seen all of it before, but this time, it became even more harsh and more dark, and that’s why I would cave. I was scared – deeply afraid, and I’m pretty sure she knew it.
It was also because I didn’t think that her bad attitude and poor behavior were worth the energy that it took for me to stand up for myself or against her. It was easier for me to just suck it up and try to be better at being the person she wanted me to be and suppress the person who I wanted so deeply to be…the person God was calling me to be. I put her needs first and God’s desires for me last.
But now, I’m putting God’s desires first, and that’s why I’m here. But, thankfully, God is oh-so patient. Psalm 86:15 tells me that God is merciful and gracious. He is slow to anger and abounding is steadfast love and faithfulness.
In our living room, we have a nicely printed and framed verse hanging on our wall. This verse is Ephesians 3:20, “God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it NOT BY PUSHING US AROUND but by working within us – His spirit deeply and gently within us.”
It’s one of my husband’s favorite verses, and he had this hanging in his office when he was on staff at a former church. He was able to bring it home when we left, and it’s been in our living room ever since. I refer to this verse daily. It has gotten me through so many unrelated things over the past few years and has given me hope, along with courage, to follow and trust God’s gentle nudges.
You see, God really isn’t pushy. He’s not going to demand anything from me – especially anything that I’m not willing to give. He’s not going to force me by making me feel like I am no longer loved by Him, just because I choose to not do something. It could be his biggest desire for me, and if I choose to not follow that desire, His love for me won’t change. It will remain the same no matter what. But, it’s also this gentle, patient, and unconditional love that makes me want to serve Him and do His Will even more.
That’s just one place that He and she differ. But, not only were there things that I had no desire to fill, there there were also demands and desires that I couldn’t fill, even if I wanted to.
But,I had a lack of desire to fulfill her needs, and this lack of desire was growing greater and greater to the point that I thought that maybe she was right. Maybe I am the problem. It made me feel like her words may be right and that I was a bad daughter. I felt that this lack of desire to please her and to serve her – like she literally said that I did not do well – indeed, made me the problem.
But, I learned that my lack of desire was not really the problem. It was my lack of healthy boundaries that was a problem. One thing, that Dr Henry Cloud wrote in Boundaries, that really stuck out to me was that if you do something because you feel like you should do it and not because you want to do it, you have a boundary problem.
I understood this and it really resonated with how I felt, but it really didn’t help with WHY I didn’t want to. WHY wouldn’t I want to help? What was wrong with me that I didn’t want to do this?
You see, there I went again…wondering what is wrong with me – thinking that I’m really not good, just as she declared. And, the cycle seemed to continue again…over and over and over again…
I know that God’s desire for us is to honor our parents. God’s word says to honor our parents, so that we may live long or “not be put to death,” and I really feel that I did my absolute best for so long. I am confident that those around me during my life will agree. But, this “honor” is what eventually tore me down and ripped my heart and mind apart. This didn’t feel like the life that I was promised. It didn’t feel like life to me at all. Her words and actions were killing every part of me. I had gotten to the dark point that I thought that death may actually be easier. I was done, and I let everyone around me know that I was done by constantly saying, “I’m done!” All day – every day – every aspect of my life.
Because of this, I believe God was gently nudging me towards His life – as my Heavenly Father – whom I should honor above all.
When you begin to set healthy boundaries with someone who is mentally and emotionally mature, they will respect your boundaries and gladly abide by them. When you set healthy boundaries with someone who is not emotionally mature, they will see them as bad and will do everything in their power to tear them down – and tear you down during the process. Especially if they have seen that it has worked in the past. If it worked before, it’s bound to work again.
And, when we allow those boundaries to be violated, we immediately go back to how it was before. I allowed this to happen over and over again, and I always went back, until I didn’t. Then, that’s when she started feeling a bit out of control. True selves tend to surface when we feel out of control. We can say and do things we never thought we were capable of saying nor doing. However, Matthew 12:34 tells us that we speak from our mouth what is in our heart.
If we have love in our heart, we will speak love. If we have unhealed hurt in our heart, we will speak hurtful things. Those hurtful things include all of those things that I shared in my last episode that were said to me, once I put a boundary in place. It’s like the saying goes, “Hurt people hurt people.”
But, in contrary to that, I also believe that “Healed people heal people.” And, that’s where I am today. Healed and whole!
Let me just say that the boundaries that I put into place were not hard boundaries. Most of them were simple boundaries that anyone would be fine hearing. Remember, that I was just a beginner at this, so my first boundary was simply learning the word, “No.” This is a word that a lot of us could use in a lot of different areas of our own lives. It is a word that most of us have forgotten; however, I very quickly learned that it would be that one, simple word that would set her off the most, and it’s the one word that ultimately lead to her telling me that I was “going to go to hell because I wouldn’t paint her barn.”
Yes. Those were literal words. I actually silently laughed at that one, but now I laugh out loud.
Just to be clear, those things were not spoken to me just once or just at that one particular time that I put a boundary in place. They were spoken to me over and over and over again for as long as I can remember – even as a little girl, and this was way before I ever started setting boundaries because, like I said before, I didn’t even know what boundaries really were, until I was in my 40s.
And, that brings me to the end of today’s episode. Thanks so much for listening to me today. Thank you for being here and for your support and love as well, as we walk through this together. I’m so glad that you’re here with me. I have received so much good feedback from many of you – encouraging me and speaking life over me. I am so thankful for you all!
If this blessed you today, please let me know that by leaving me a comment, either over on instagram or on this episode over on my website, teaoflifepodcast.com.
I would also like to say that if you are finding yourself in a difficult or unhealthy situation (not all difficult situations are unhealthy, by the way) or if you, like me, are wondering it it’s really you after all, try setting a simple healthy boundary. Try saying no, and see how the other person reacts. A healthy-minded person will respect your boundary and maybe even appreciate it, but an unhealthy-minded person may not react so graciously.
AND, if you feel that you are in an unsafe situation at all, I encourage you to seek help! Setting a boundary with someone who you know will not respond well, could lead to more a serious situation, and if this is you, please seek help immediately with a safe friend or a trained professional. And, I am not a trained professional, by-the-way. I am simply telling my story, but there are a number of places who can help with your particular situation, and I encourage you to reach out to them if at all possible. If you feel that a setting a boundary may be dangerous in any way, please make sure you take that into account.
I really appreciate you being here with me today. I pray that this blesses you and allows you to know that you are chosen and loved by the God of the universe – the one who knew you before you were created in your mother’s womb. The one who calls you by name and will never shame you nor forsake you.
I cannot wait to talk to you again, my friend!
