#73 Healthy Boundaries &; Why You Need Them

Today, on TEA of Life Podcast, I’m talk about having healthy boundaries in your life and which ones I believe could be the most important ones to set for yourself. You may be wondering if you even have a problem with boundaries, to begin with. Well, If you’ve ever felt guilty or anxious for saying no or have been talked into doing something that you never wanted to do in the first place, you may have a boundary problem. If you constantly deal with too much drama in your relationships or have difficulty making decisions, you may have a boundary problem. If you care too much about what other people think about you, you may have boundary issues. These are just a few examples as the list is long, so even if the above isn’t you, you could still have boundary issues, and I want to help you solve them.

Adopting healthy boundaries in your life and relationships will help you in every area of your life. They will help you deal with your own frustrations as well as the frustrations that others try to put on you. If there are people in your life who lack boundaries, have narcissistic tendencies, or are flat-out abusive in one way or another, having proper boundaries in your life will help you thrive in the midst of their crazy.

Statistics show that not having or enforcing boundaries is mostly caused by low self-esteem, and I personally know this to be true. My biggest desire is for you to love your life, and I don’t believe that you can do that if you don’t first have proper boundaries set in place for yourself. So, thank you for being here today for episode 73 of TEA of Life Podcast.

In a previous episode, number 39, along with an article that I wrote for our website, I introduced Setting Boundaries with Others and 7 Quick Boundaries That Can Change Your Life Starting Today. These boundaries that I shared on that day are simple and kind of a no-brainer and can be considered a really great and easy start to learning how and exercising setting boundaries in your life starting right now. If you haven’t listened to that episode, I’d love for you to go back and take a listen to it. It’s a great way to spend 23 minutes of your day today, or if you have already listened to it, feel free to take another 23 minutes today to go back and listen to it again for a quick refresher. Links to both of them will be in my show notes.

A few of the boundaries that I mentioned in episode 39 are a great start to changing your life. Believe it or not, you can actually begin to love the life you’re living if you just learn how to set a few boundaries for yourself. In fact, I feel that this is the basis for all things changing for the better. If you don’t have proper boundaries, there will be no way that you can learn to love the life YOU are living because the life you will be living will not be your own. It will be everyone else’s!

So, on top of a few more, I am going to mention some of the boundaries from my previous podcast and article, but I am not going to mention all of them. In order for you to hear all of the very simple boundaries that I mentioned in my previous recording and writing, you will need to go back and listen to that episode.

Although we may need to pick and choose our boundaries based on our situation or current circumstance, there is one boundary that every person can benefit from immensely if they just learn to do it. I feel this boundary may be the absolute most important boundary that there is. So many problems and misfortunes could have been avoided by learning just this one boundary.

Warning though… some consider this boundary to be extremely offensive and may feel that this is not a boundary at all and rate it as being equivalent to cursing them out. In fact, this one boundary probably offends more people than any other boundary that there is, and in my opinion, this boundary could possibly be an above-all-end-all to EVERY mistake EVER made to man.

This boundary is the word NO!

Setting proper boundaries for ourselves means learning the word no, and sticking with it. When we practice saying no, we will find that we are able to pick and choose what (or who) fills our time – not allowing others, opportunities, or things that do not line up with our why to fill our time for us.

In episode # 56, Brandon and I talked about the opportunity cost of saying no. Whether we say yes or we say no, there’s always an opportunity cost involved. What we need to figure out is which opportunity cost we’re most willing to give up or live without. Are we willing to give up loving our life just so we can say yes to the things that are not beneficial to us or that do not push us in the right direction? Are we willing to give up loving our life just because we are afraid of saying no to a certain someone? You know who they are.

I quickly realized that learning to say no allowed opportunities for me to say yes to the things I love: spending one-on-one time with my husband and kids, a weekend with my family with no outside interruptions, taking walks; yes to writing, sailing, podcasting, meditating; yes to margin in my bank account and the peace of mind to living without debt. Learning to say no is extremely vital to setting boundaries, and in my opinion, the most important boundary that can be set.

Ok! I am going to put in a quick disclaimer here because I never want any of my listeners to get the wrong idea or hear me saying something that I am clearly not saying. If you are married, I am speaking to BOTH of you here; not just one of you. I am not giving one of you permission to ditch or divorce the other of you because the other suddenly doesn’t line up with your desires or your why for your life. Your spouse should be your desire! They should be your why! If you find that you are both on different pages of life, I suggest you find counseling and seek hard to get on the same page. I am not giving you permission to divorce your spouse because they do not “line up with your why.” They need to be your why. Living your best life with your spouse should be your ultimate goal if you are married.

However, if you find that you are in a bad situation, and your spouse is doing things that are illegal, or if they are asking you to do things that are illegal, unethical, or that goes against your moral convictions, you need to seek help and get wisdom from someone who can help you. I believe there are times that we should leave; especially if you are in danger, but I am not talking about those reasons in this episode. Too many times – too many times, people, I have seen married couples decide to divorce because the other isn’t “called” to the same mission field that the one is. If God is truly calling you, He is calling BOTH of you. You need to pray and seek help in this situation and wait to move when God has finished calling both of you. His timing for everyone is different. God’s timeline is not the same as ours. Give it some time. Give God some time.

Also, if you have kids and you are married, I am STILL going to say that living your best life with your SPOUSE should absolutely be your ultimate goal; not putting your kid’s desires before your spouse and your goals. If you put your spouse first, everything else will fall into place. Your kids will naturally fall into their place. This is how it should work. Stop allowing your kids to come between you and your spouse!

Ok… rant over… now back to why we are here today…

Another boundary that I find to be very important is… Are you ready to write this one down? It is – stop taking responsibility for other people’s actions. You need to recognize that it is not your responsibility to make other people happy.

No longer taking responsibility for other people’s actions also allows others to live with the consequences of their own decisions. This boundary could be one of the most freeing boundaries there is. Constantly bailing others out or trying to fix their situation or problems is not healthy for anyone involved. There will be times when someone close to us makes a bad decision, and we will want to step in and make the consequences go away for them. We need to remember that we are not accountable for someone else’s decisions, and it is not our responsibility to suffer the consequences for them.

Not too long ago, we were at a super fun wedding, and there was lots of dancing and good times had by everyone there. During the late hours of the wedding, I was standing behind someone when another guy who worked for him walked up and mentioned that he didn’t think that he should have to come into work the following day because this celebration was going so late into the evening. I remember clearly what the guy said to him. He said, “Sure. That’s fine. You don’t have to come in tomorrow. You can totally take the day off. I’ve told you guys over and over again that you don’t ever have to come into work. It’s totally your choice. You just need to make sure that if you choose not to come in, you’re ok with no longer having a job.” I don’t think that I have ever respected a boss more than I did that day!

When there are those around you, who are constantly making bad decisions and expecting you to bail them out, don’t do it. Let them learn from those mistakes and live with the consequences of their own decisions – even if it’s for only a short while. If you’re used to always bailing others out, and you don’t know how to stop, start with the small, everyday stuff. Like, not allowing your kids to invite friends over if they are not willing to clean their room first, don’t bail them out by cleaning their room for them or making them wear dirty jeans because they chose to ignore their overflowing laundry basket, or no longer picking up your kid’s wet towel from the floor after they take a shower which, in turn, means, they no longer get a towel to dry off with after taking a shower, and they have to figure it out on their own. Yeah… I did that. In fact, I have done all of what I just mentioned!

A few years ago, I wrote an article titled Kids and Consequences. It’s a great article, and I’ll put a copy of it on my website at teaoflifepodcast.com. The consequence that my son suffered from his missing towel was a small, non-harming consequence, but it was a foundational consequence. It set him up for learning to deal with larger consequences in the future and figuring out a solution to his problem. Oh! And, he hasn’t left his wet towel on the floor since, and it’s been 5 years since I wrote that article. So, I would say that that small consequence was definitely a long term – hashtag win-win for the both of us.

Ok… side note: If you’re having difficulty setting boundaries with your child, I want to recommend a book for you. Actually, I have a couple of books to recommend, and they are all by the same author. I will put a link to the books on my website in the show notes for this episode and also under the tab at the top of my homepage called “My Favorite Things,” 

Anyway, there are quite a few books that I love from this author, but the ones that I am going to recommend for you today for setting proper, healthy boundaries with your children are… Are you ready to write these down? They are: Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours and Have a New Kid by Friday. Both books are by author Kevin Leman.  

If you are not familiar with Kevin Leman, he is a fabulous psychologist, author, and speaker. He came and spoke at a previous church that we used to attend, and I immediately fell in love with him and his books. He has written many, many books which I love, and there are a few more that I can recommend for you today that include: Have a New Teenager by Friday, Have a Happy Family by Friday, and Have a New You by Friday. One of the very first books that I ever read by him was Sex Begins in the Kitchen, and it’s a fabulous book for married couples. Maybe my hubs and I can review that book for you in another podcast.

You can read these books for free if you have Kindle Unlimited with Amazon. If you don’t already have Kindle Unlimited, you can easily sign up for it by following the link in my show notes. 

My next boundary is to own your own feelings and also know that you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings or reactions to you or your boundaries. This may not sound like a boundary, but it really is.

When we set boundaries, we are taking control of our own lives. Being in control of ourselves means being in control of how we respond to our emotions. Notice that I did not say to react to our emotions. Reacting is NOT the same as responding. Experiencing emotions is not bad; God created every emotion that we have, but how we respond to our emotions is very important.

Even if we are in control emotionally, we can’t expect the people around us to be, so, when someone is emotionally hurt or disappointed by the healthy boundaries that we have set for ourselves, know that you are not in charge of their emotional reaction to that boundary. We are only in charge of our response, and even though they may try to make us feel like it’s our fault that they feel a certain way, it’s totally not. At that point, we need to step back and allow them to deal with their own emotions and feelings.

There are many more boundaries that I’d love to talk about today, but I feel that I am running out of time for this episode. I really appreciate your being here, and I want to respect your boundary for your time, so I will revisit boundaries in a later episode and add more to the list, so the last boundary that I want to talk about today is this – take time for yourself! It’s really ok, and you should never feel guilty for wanting a little time to yourself. A little alone-time here-and-there is a good thing. Even Jesus retreated alone taking time away from his disciples and the crowds of people.

Back at the beginning of our podcast, in episode # 18, I interviewed Chantel Adams. The sound was really not that great, and I truly need to have her back on the podcast again, but she talked about a few things that she does to love on herself, and one of those things stood out to me. It was that she takes a bath every night. It encouraged me to take more baths myself, and they are truly invigorating. I light my candles, read a book, or sometimes I watch even Netflix all while sitting in the bathtub with the door locked.

Anyway, This is something that Chantel does for herself, and you could tell that she doesn’t feel guilty about it at all. It was obvious when she was talking about it that it is something that she is very passionate about and something that feeds her soul. Taking time for yourself can be something as little as taking a 20-minute bath as often as you can intentionally make time for it.  

It’s also good to ditch your family every now and again and hang out with your friends. As long as you are doing something that your spouse is ok with. It’s not ok to ditch your husband and go to the strip club with the girls or vice versa, but it is ok to go do something fun away from your family every now and again. Go to dinner with the girls. If you’re a guy, go to dinner with the guys. Lately, I’ve had the opportunity to get coffee with a few friends with whom I don’t get to spend much time with, and it’s been great. Turn off your phone. Drink some coffee, sweet tea or wine. Read a book. If you have to go to the library for some quietness, do it. If you have to lock yourself in a closet, do it. Just don’t lock yourself in a closet at the library ‘cause that would be weird.

A couple of summers ago, I had an awesome opportunity to go on a girl’s beach trip. This trip was with some of my favorite friends for well over 20 years. When I was on this trip, I experienced something that I did not expect. For the first day-or-so, I was unable to let loose and have fun. My mind was constantly on my husband and kids. I admit that I felt guilty that I was sitting on the beach without them because I knew that they would love being there too.

I confessed my feelings to my husband over the phone, and my sweet, generous husband graciously encouraged me to relax and have fun. I literally had to tell myself that it was ok to be there; that I needed to have time away with my girlfriends; that taking time away for myself is actually investing in the time that I will have when I return to my family. The trip turned out to be absolutely amazing.

So, I want to encourage you to take time for yourself and do what YOU love. When you feel refreshed then your time with your family will also feel refreshed.

Healthy boundaries produce freedom and are something that everyone in this world needs to practice on a regular basis, but before setting boundaries, you must first learn and decide for yourself what you want your life to look like. What kind of freedom do you hope to gain by setting boundaries? What do you hope to accomplish with your boundaries?

Contrary to popular belief, setting boundaries is not a selfish behavior, although some people will make you feel as though it is. Even those who are good at setting boundaries for themselves can sometimes try to make you feel guilty for setting your own boundaries with them, but you can be assured that those who do not have healthy boundaries at all will definitely try to make you feel bad about the boundaries that you set with them.

It is a good practice to set healthy, consistent boundaries with our significant other, or our family members such as our parents, siblings, our children… We can set healthy boundaries with our boss, our coworkers, employees, or even our next door neighbor. Setting healthy boundaries in every area of our life can have a positive impact on ourselves as well as everyone else around us.

So, in closing, I’d like to encourage you a little more by saying that setting boundaries is not an easy task. At first, it may feel unnatural and a bit uncomfortable, and you may even feel that it is the wrong thing to do because it can be so emotionally hard at first. This is completely natural. It is recommended that you pick one boundary, practice it then add more along the way. It takes a lot of practice and discipline, and the longer you stick with them, the more natural they will feel and freeing they will become.

If you find any or all of these boundaries to be extremely difficult, don’t be afraid to seek help. You are never expected to do this alone. You may have a healthy friend, who is good at setting boundaries and who can lend support. Don’t be afraid to open up and confide in them. Depending on your situation, setting and sticking to boundaries may require professional help of a licensed counselor, or, most importantly, if you find yourself in a dangerous situation with someone who does not respond well to any of the boundaries that you set, I highly encourage you to seek appropriate help and refuge immediately. I found myself in this situation when I was 19, and I felt the need to seek out police protection for my situation. It can happen to anyone, and you need to make sure that you are protected and safe.

Ok… So… Let’s just do a little recap on what I talked about today about setting healthy boundaries for yourself:

1. Remember that your past, present, and future hopes and dreams determine exactly what boundaries need to be put into place.
2. Learn to Say NO.
3. No longer take responsibility for other people’s actions.
4. Own your own feelings and know that you are not responsible for how someone else feels.
5. Take time for yourself.
6. If necessary, seek professional help.

That’s all that I have for you today. I’d love to hear what you think about the boundaries that I talked about today. One more book that I can recommend for you that has been a tremendous help for me as well is Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It’s a great book to read while taking a bath. HaHa…

If you feel that you are good at setting boundaries, leave us a comment and tell us which boundaries you have found to be the most effective for you so that we can share it with our other listeners.

Also, if you’ve found value in this episode, please consider subscribing to my podcast and leaving me a review on iTunes. Currently, I am releasing an episode every other week, but I am constantly posting pictures, updates, and hosting conversations on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Find me and follow me there and join in on all the conversations going on over there.

Until next time, Thank you for listening to TEA of Life Podcast.  

A great article on the lack of emotional boundaries: The Strange Reason You Have No Emotional Boundaries.