I had an incident at a local hardware store today that ended up reminding me of myself when I was around 20 years old. At that time, I had a job at the same hardware store that I was visiting today (not the same location, but the same company). At the time, I ironically worked in the customer service area of the store.
You see, at this time in my life, I had just come out of a VERY hard and toxic relationship. Circumstances surrounding the end of this relationship led to a lot of bitterness and anger. I felt that I could no longer trust others, and it was this time that I adopted a mentality that I was all that I needed, and I would be just fine being single for the rest of my life. Obviously, this was years before I met Brandon.
I guess it was obvious that my new adopted personality was showing through when a long-time customer met me at the desk that I was working at at the time. I can still remember what he looked like. He came in with big smiles and a bounce in his step just like he did every other day that he came in. He had become a familiar face as he would always say hi and call me by name.
Apparently, he came in on a day when I was not at my best. Which, back then, those days were many. I remember him leaving the store out the front entrance. I remember this because we had just installed a one way automatic door opening system, and the entrance door would only open from the outside coming in; however, we had a button at the front desk that we could press that would allow it to open and let the unsuspecting exeter to leave unbeknownst to them that it was actually us opening the door for them. Anyway, he left and very soon returned.
As he walked back through the front door, this time in the correct direction, he walked straight up to me and handed me a book. He said, “This helped me many years ago. It changed my life, and I think it can change yours too.” I took the book and said, “Ok.” I don’t think I even said thank you. Smiling, he turned around and went back out the front door; again, while I pressed the hidden button.
When I saw the name of the book for the first time, I was honestly a little offended. I thought, “How dare him to think I need this!” I also thought that the title indicated manipulation techniques on winning friends, but I later learned that I was seriously wrong! By now, you know that I am talking about the book How to Win Friends and Influence People.
I actually did not read the book right away. It sat on my shelf for a while until I heard someone else talking about it at a later time. I thought, “Yeah, I think I actually have that book,” so I went home, and sure enough, it was the same book. I read a little of it then, but still, not as much as I should have. Since then, this book has come up more times than I can mention. I’m happy to say that I eventually read the book – still years ago.
So, this book, How to Win Friends and Influence People was originally written in 1936 by a man named Dale Carnegie. It’s kind of a “help me help you” mentality by putting yourself in the other person’s perspective. It’s seeing the world the way that they see it and finding a way to align what they want with what you want. Now, what I just said may seem a little bit like manipulation after all, but it’s really not like that at all.
I believe that having the ability to win friends and influence people, per se, is a great way to change our own attitudes and to learn to love the life we live. You see, I was definitely not loving my life back then, and this guy knew it. It was so obvious that this man, who only saw me infrequently at the local hardware store, picked up on it. I didn’t have many friends back then. I had shut out almost everyone thinking that was the most healthy thing for me. What I didn’t know is that having friends has been proven to be a positive effect on the chemical activity in our brain.
Debbie Hampton from mindbodygreen.com says in her article titled, “Why Spending Time with Friends Boosts Your Oxytocin, that “the brain secretes oxytocin in response to physical touch (but we’re not talking about physical touch in this episode), [or] when someone shows trust in you [and I would add ‘when someone shows interest in you’], and sometimes just in conversation or when around other people.” This is what I am talking about regarding this life-changing book.
There are four different parts to this book. Part one teaches the Fundamental Techniques in Handling People. Part two is about ways of making people like you. Part three teaches you how to win people to your way of thinking, and part four gives way to changing people without offending them or arousing resentment. All of this adding to positivity in your own life. All of this adding to the influence that you have on yourself to love your own life and also creating the life that you love to live.
In part one, he indicates that no one ever wins an argument; that even if you think you “win” an argument, you’ve actually lost because you’ve made the other person feel inferior. It’s good to ask yourself if it’s really worth your time and energy trying to prove something or win an argument when all you get in the end is a heightened sense of pride while the other person feels like crap?
Carnegie goes on to teach us that we should never tell someone else that they are wrong; that we should try to look at it from their perspective and ask questions in order to gain understanding. Most of the time, this actually allows the other person to see things in a different way and begin to see where they may need to change their thoughts or perspective and see where they were wrong, themselves.
In part two, he says that we can get others to like us by asking questions about them; by asking them to tell you about themselves. This isn’t just a general, “Tell me about your life.” thing… It’s asking specific questions about the person, such as, “What made you want to become a doctor?” or, “Where did you grow up?” or, “Tell me about your kids.” It’s realizing that everyone has a story to tell…their very own story that is not like anyone else’s story on this planet. It means becoming genuinely interested in someone else’s life or THEIR story. This also means that we need to be VERY careful that once the other person starts telling you their story, that you don’t immediately switch the focus back to yourself. Stay with them throughout their entire journey. If they ask you about you, tell them, if not, don’t.
In part three of How to Win Friends and Influence People, Carnegie talks about owning up to and admitting your mistakes before you are called out on them; not trying to constantly defend yourself. Carnegie says that doing this tends to lessen your punishment or sentence. You’ve heard of those who confess to their crime getting a lesser sentence than if they were to fight for their innocence and found guilty. Those who don’t own up to it and fight tend to get a longer, harsher sentence, but those who own up to their mistake or crime, tend to get a lesser sentence in the end. So, whenever you find yourself in a situation where you are wrong, you should admit it quickly, ask forgiveness, and move on.
Part four… Changing other’s minds without causing them to resent you. When someone has decided that something should be done a certain way, you should never tell them reasons why they shouldn’t do it that way but steer the conversation in a way that allows them to come to that decision themselves. There is a lot less potential for negative reactions this way. Plus, if you have invested in this person by getting to know them as directed in Part Two, it is more likely that this person will trust you when they decide to change their mind. Also, you should never “rub it in their face” so-to-speak. Just praise them for THEIR decision to make the change and move on as if you had nothing to do with it.
It’s weird to think that winning friends and influencing people can have an impact on you loving the life you’re living, but it really does. When you treat others this way, it makes a big difference in the influence that you have on them and the world around you. It makes your life and relationships a whole lot less stressful and demanding. People tend to respect you and look up to you when you treat them this way.
Also, one of the big things that he said that I forgot to mention is that people LOVE to hear their name, so whenever you can learn someone’s name, it’s an automatic win for you. I know that I have a really hard time remembering people’s names. I usually forget them as soon as they tell me, but I am working on it, and I can tell you that when I do use their name instead of “miss, sir, mam,” or whatever, I usually get a WAY better, immediate, and less guarded response from them.
Can you imagine if we were to just apply these principles to our children? What kind of better life could you have if you weren’t always butting heads with your teenager? I’m sure a lot of frustration and tension would disappear, and you could start to love your life again (like you maybe did before children) right here and now.
So, I leave you with this challenge, start small and local, try this on your kids, your spouse or maybe your child’s school teacher. Try to learn the names of those around you, whether it’s your neighbor, co-worker, or grocery store clerk; try just saying and learning the person’s name on their name tag. See what kind of response you get that may be different than the ones you usually get. Leave me a comment and let me know how that may have changed the outcome of your situation or experiences. Most of the time, you can find me on Instagram, so follow me there and shoot me a message. I’d love to hear from you.
