Today, I talk about winning tactics for change and habits. Change is hard! SO! HARD! People can say that they like change, but not a lot of people like TO change, or, to be more exact…people don’t like to BE changed. Some people do like to try to change us though, and I get into that a little bit on this episode as well.
Sometimes change is necessary in order for things to be different. Albert Einstein said that “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again.”
Sometimes we decide to change ourselves or our circumstances because we’re bored with where we are. The boredom forces us to get past it and do something else or actually…do…something. Some of us have been taught that we should never be bored because that’s when the devil creeps in and bad things happen; then, there’s also a saying that “if the devil can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.” So, which is it? Is he going to creep into my boredom, or is he going to creep into my busyness?
I think that we can actually get into the habit of being bored, just like we can get into the habit of feeling like we have to be busy all the time or the habit of always having too much to do; too much to take care of. That’s not necessarily good or bad. What can be good for one person can be really bad for another.
Some of us need to slow down and actually be bored for a while. A lot of great creativity can come out of boredom, and some of us need to slow down…or…stop and smell the roses, so-to-speak.
Which-ever habit you tend to have is proprietary to you. You are the only person who can get yourself unstuck from the boredom or from the overfilled lifestyle, and change it for yourself. Sometimes, all it takes is a decision to change in order to change. Sometimes, it takes a lot more to make that change happen, but if all you do is plan to change without actually making the change, you will never change yourself or your circumstances.
In order to change, you must form a new habit – one that allows you to do something different. Like I said before, if you continue to do the same thing over and over again, change will never take place, and you run the risk of insanity; maybe not the kind of insanity that constitutes needing to be admitted into an insane asylum, but insanity to the point of driving yourself and everyone else around you crazy because you are too bored or too busy. You also run the risk of no one wanting to be around you because of your insane thought process.
When you’re too bored, you can develop an “oh-woe-is-me” attitude, and no one likes to hear that. Think back to when you were a kid or maybe you have kids now who whine when they’re bored; maybe they hang on you like a heavy, wet, oversized towel and expect YOU to rescue them from their despair. Don’t do it! Their boredom creates a great opportunity for them to learn to establish new habits, themselves.
We must establish a habit before you can change it or improve upon it. Our new habit must be in the form or shape of what we desire for ourself. These habits are individualized for each of us. I cannot form new habits for you, and you cannot form new habits for me. If we want to change, we must change our habits ourself. We must first be the one to establish the new habit before we can be the one who actually improves upon it.
The best way to start a new habit is to start small. Remember last week, when I said that a small change is still a change? A small step in the right direction is still a step in the right direction. A one or a half percent change is still change.
Surrounding ourselves with different people also allows us to change. It’s a good idea to surround ourselves with people who are already doing the habits we’d like to adopt. I talked a lot about this is my last episode. This also goes for our kids. We have the ability to choose where we live, where we go to church, what activities our kids are involved in, where our kids go to school, etc. Find kids who are learning and forming habits like you’d like your kids to have and join that group. Find a way for your kids to be a part of that group, and parents, get involved in that group. Don’t just drop your kids off and expect that group to do all the work for you. It is our job to raise our own kids; not someone else’s.
However, while doing this, find a group that lines up with your kid’s natural desires and talents. Don’t be a part of a group just because that’s the group that YOU, the parent, wants. Don’t join a group just because that’s the group you wanted to be a part of when you were a kid. Your kid is not here to fulfill your dreams and desires or to fulfill your inadequacy as a kid. Find something that your kid will enjoy and do that.
Remember when you were a kid (or maybe you’re teaching your kids this now), and people told you that “you become the people that you surround yourself with?” I talked a little about this in my episode not too long ago called “Defining Financial Success.” Sometimes, forming a new habit may involve finding new friends. As I mentioned in my last podcast, we become the people we hang out with most. We want to seek out those who are already doing – or want to also be doing – what we want to be doing and do it with them. Do it together. Having that like-friendship can be exactly what you need in order to make a change. But, don’t use the lack of that as an excuse. You cannot use the lack of friendship as an excuse to not change or reach your goals. You need to have the courage and build up the strength to do it anyway…in spite of. Remember, IT. IS. UP. TO. YOU!
However, if you do find some keen-friendships, try to spread yourself out a little. Don’t expect any one friend or person to be able to fulfill every need or desire that you have. If you do, you will definitely wear that person out, and they will grow very tired of being your “everything.” No one person should be your “everything;” not even your spouse. That’s a heavy burden to ask someone to bear.
It is important to surround yourself with a lot of different people. No one person can fulfill every emotional need that we have. We cannot expect one person to provide all of our emotional stability. Having this is the definition of a codependent relationship, and that is very unhealthy.
Ryan Nicodemus, from The Minimalists, said in one of their podcasts that “You can’t express good habits in a toxic environment. You need to make sure you surround yourself with people who allow you to practice good habits like being able to say no, and not surround yourself with people who don’t allow you to say no. This means your job, friends, and yes, even your family.”
Sometimes, other people can tell you that you need to change or try to change you themselves. They do this by suggesting ways that you can be different or ways that they think that you can be better. Just because someone else thinks that you need to change doesn’t mean that you need to change. There are times when other people get stuck in their own insanity and want you to join them. There are times when other people may want to change you in order to fix you, but if you are not actually broken in the first place, then that change cannot take place. The actual change that I am talking about today in this episode is a change that comes from inside you; that comes from within. That feeling that comes when YOU know that YOU need to change; not simply when others tell you that you need to change.
Your desire to change or form new habits should come from within yourself. Broken relationships or maybe even the lack of relationships can force you to change, but it still has to be your choice. Think about the relationships that you have with other people. How are they? Do you seem to have a relationship problem everywhere you go, or is it strictly in one environment? If you do tend to have relationship problems everywhere you go, then maybe you do need to make some changes or habit adjustments, but if it is in just one environment, and all your other relationships are great, then maybe you are not the problem after all, but the environment is, and your environment is what needs to change or be changed.
A few months ago, on my personal Facebook page, I touched on this a bit with this statement, “When we tell someone they’re broken long enough, they become broken; even if they were never broken to begin with. Sometimes, we see a reflection of our own weaknesses in another person and perceive it as the other person needing to be fixed. If, by chance, we are able to convince that person to get help, and they do, but nothing changes, then perhaps it wasn’t them who was broken, to begin with. Maybe it was us all along.”
So, if you are told that you need to change or that you need to get help, you need to analyze why that person may be telling you this. Is it because the relationship is strained in some way, and they blame you for it – telling you that you are the one who is broken and needs to be fixed. Think about what others may be saying about that person or those people who are telling you these things.
Don’t get caught up in the discussions because that never leads to anything good either, but just listen. Could it be the other person who perceives things to be bad is because of their own brokenness or is it because it’s truly you that needs to change your habits? We see this a lot in narcissistic relationships. Is it the other person who needs to change their attitude or thought process toward you? If you have fallen for this and have gotten help and have seen a positive change in yourself, but the relationship is still broken, maybe you weren’t the broken one, to begin with. However, don’t suddenly throw out the help that you received during this process. You were good then, but you are better now, and that will go a long way in other and future relationships.
I was once in a relationship with someone who wanted me to change for their benefit and had convinced me that I was broken. I tried to make them happy by being the person that they wanted me to be and changing by getting the help that they told me that I needed, but all it did was make me more and more miserable. However, as it turned out, this person was extremely toxic, but it took me years in this relationship to realize this, and once I came to this realization, I did everything that I could in order to break off the relationship. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done because I was so convinced that it was me all along, but I ended up rebuilding my confidence in myself and building new relationships all around me, and I was able to do this by just being myself. It turns out that I didn’t actually need to change at all.
I say all of this because, in your process of trying to change your habits, we need to make sure it’s because WE are the one who recognizes that a change needs to take place; not because someone else told us that we need to change. Maybe, take a look at what the majority of the people around you are saying. Check and make sure that you actually have people who want to be around you. If you find that you are full of people surrounding you who love you the way that you are, listen to them. If you cannot find that many people who want to be around you, you may have a problem.
If you are in a relationship with someone who does not allow you to say no, that is not a healthy relationship. We need to feel the freedom of saying no to the things that don’t line up with our convictions. Remember the “7 Simple Steps to Loving Your Life” episode? In that, I explain my 7 simple steps to loving your life (hence the name), and I say that step number 5 is to “Say NO! (to the things that do not line up with your why).
We can sometimes find ourselves in a relationship that doesn’t allow us to say no. It can be a family relationship, a friendship, or even a work relationship or environment that doesn’t allow us to say no. These environments are usually not healthy and can be considered toxic. We need the ability to Say No in Order to Say Yes to the things that really matter.
Sometimes change can come in the simplest ways. Studies show that we are more likely to move forward and get something done if we write it down. For example, “I am going to do (what) on (when)…” You can also add a reward to the end of it upon completion. Like, …”when I achieve this or that, I am going to binge watch that Netflix show that I’ve been wanting to watch.” or, “I’m going to go see that movie I’ve been wanting to see.” or, “I’m going to read that book I’ve been wanting to read.” or, my favorite… “I’m going to take that nap I’ve been wanting to take.”
Sometimes, we cannot change because we have too many things in our way and we need to clear some space. Joshua Fields Millburn, The Minimalist (yes, I am quoting something else from The Minimalists) So, Joshua says, “You don’t get unstuck with more planning. You get unstuck with less friction.” This isn’t just in our living room or our bedroom. This can also be in our heads. We hear people all the time saying that they don’t have enough head-space for this or that. Yes! Clearing out the clutter in our physical space is very important. In fact, I have a large box sitting in our living room right now that could actually fit a small body inside of it, and it is currently filled to the rim of things that we don’t need and are going to donate – things that have been getting in our way; things that don’t line up with our why, and I am constantly finding things that are in my way, and I have learned to quickly and unemotionally throw them into that box. I have come to the realization that my physical space is more important than the item that can fill it. Within reason, of course. There are some things that I do need to keep and have around the house. Maybe I’ll talk about that in an upcoming episode.
So, changing and moving forward can be seriously hard, and we may find every excuse that we can in order to not do it. We can also plan our way out of moving forward or changing. We can plan to change, but if we don’t ever implement any of those plans, nothing will ever change. Even though having a good plan is one thing that can move you forward and start your change, it is very easy to get caught up in the details of that planning. You’ve definitely got to make a plan if you want to get out of debt, but if you don’t implement that plan, you will stay in debt and possibly even grow deeper into debt. If you come up with a plan to buy a boat but never implement any or all of that plan in saving up for it, you will never own that boat. If you want to move to another city, you not only need a plan, but you need to do things that conquer that plan in order to make that move happen…even small steps. Like I said earlier, every small step adds up to bigger steps, and eventually, you are there! Moving forward one decision at a time is still moving forward; even if your planning only involves one decision at a time.
Some people (like me) have difficulty planning. Planning actually stresses me out. I can plan my next step or even my next three steps, but anything beyond that is overwhelming to me, and I tend to shut down. I am not a planner. I am more of a spontaneous person, but I’ve learned to be ok with that. I’ve learned to love that about myself.
But, because planning adds stress to my brain, I really have a hard time making long-term plans. That doesn’t mean that I get a pass. I still have to do it if I want to be successful in certain areas. I can see our long-term financial plans, but I have to know what my step is right now in order to achieve that long-term goal.
One of our financial plans is to be able to pay cash for our kid’s college, but if I start to think in terms of paying for my kid’s college, it feels overwhelming to me. I have to think in small steps, as in, “What small thing (or one step) can I do today in order for that money to be there when it’s time?” I have to break it down. This is what I have to do, and it works. Then, voila! When it’s time for that purchase, the money is there, but it takes small, broken down steps for me, and I can’t allow myself to think past that or it tends to cause my brain to just shut down.
I think there’s actually something in the Bible about that. In Matthew 6:34, it says, “…don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”
So, in your mind, do you think that today’s trouble could be conjuring up the actual courage that we need in order to change our tomorrow? Possibly…
Someone else that I have been following for a few years is Leo Babauta. I’ve mentioned him before of other episodes. He has a website called Zen Habits and also a book called “Essential Zen Habits – Mastering the Art of Change“. At the time of this episode release, it is available on Kindle for $6.99, and you can find a link to that on my website under the show notes for this episode. I encourage you to check that out.
There is another book that I have not read, but I have heard it recommended by others who I like and follow, and the name of that book is Atomic Habits by James Clear. It is also available on Kindle (and paperback if you are one of those who enjoys actually turning the pages and sniffing the ink and glue on the pages. You know who you are), and you can also find a link to that book in my show notes under this episode.
I hope that I was able to encourage you today. Leave me a comment on either my Facebook page, Instagram, or my website and let me know how you’ve been encouraged by this episode. What changes or habits do you currently need to make in order to make your life better?
Thank you for listening to today’s episode, and I look forward to our time together again very soon.
