Hey friends! Thanks for tuning in again, and if you’re new…welcome! My desire with my podcast is to help you transform every area of your life, by sharing parts of my story and things I’ve learned along the way that has allowed me to be able to transform my own life into one I love living!
In my last episode, I mentioned how I had to close my circle. I shared how I had to step away from a few others – especially those who were always stealing parts of me in order to accomplish their own goals. I also shared one of my favorite quotes from one of The Minimalists, Joshua Fields Milbourne, which is, “You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.” Meaning – you can’t change other people, but you can change who you allow in your circle. I also shared how I had to step away from some who were always taking and not replenishing.
Although through a few conversations I’ve had recently, I realize that some may still be wondering with whom my experiences lie and may have even wondered if my husband and I have had these experiences with each other. I can assure you that is absolutely not the case. My husband and I are in a really great relationship together, and he is my biggest fan and support. He is my rock and my biggest cheerleader. Without him, I would not be doing this podcast, so in order to set the record straight, it’s probably time to just come right out and say who really instigated my story back in 2016. The answer to that question is my mother.
There! I said it! Honestly, that was really hard – even now, but it was back in 2016 that I felt all of my emotions crashing down on me and didn’t know why, and that was when my neighbor (and former podcasting partner) sent me the title of a book that made her laugh. She had been hearing all my stories for many years before that, and I guess the name of the book just made her chuckle and immediately think of me. The name of that book is, You’re Not Crazy! It’s Your Mother!, by Danu Morrigan.
I suppose if you looked up the quote that I keep repeating, which is, “You are not broken; in need of fixing. You are wounded; in need of healing.” you would see where it came from and would have been able to put it all together. It’s also linked on my website, teaoflifepodcast.com, under My Favorite Things.
This is where it all began. Even though the storyline of my podcast started back in 2016, my real story started way before that, but it was when I began healing that I felt the Lord telling me that He wanted me to tell my story. That’s when April and I began TEA of Life Podcast, in 2017. Through many hours of counseling, therapy, and coaching, I learned a lot, and it was during that time that I came to realize that I was spending a lot of time with a few people in which I did not need to spend time with. Those particular people were literally sucking me dry. Unfortunately, I also learned that one of the biggest culprits was my mom, and that’s when I began limiting the time that I would spend with her.
Once I began limiting my time with my mother, she severely rebelled and began to turn against me. She did not understand that I needed time and space. She didn’t understand that I needed healing. All she understood was that there were things that she wanted, and she wanted me to provide them for her. When I began to say no to her requests, she no longer had a use for me.
When I began to look back on my life with my mom, I realized that all the signs for this happening were already there. For as long as I can remember, from as early back as I can remember, I’ve always felt like something was off…not completely right with our relationship, but I just couldn’t figure out what it was. I always thought I was the problem, but it was in 2016 that my world with her began to quickly shatter into pieces, and unfortunately, I had no idea how to handle it.
I feel like it’s been really hard to share my story in full because I have wanted to protect my mom, but I can’t do that anymore. If I am to tell my story, I have to be able to tell my story. I have repeatedly told my children that everyone has a story to tell, and we all play a part in other people’s story. So, we need to make sure that our part in their story is something we’d be proud of them telling.
I know there are many out there who may have the same or similar story as me, and you need to hear mine. You have been wondering what you have done wrong or even how you can be better in hopes of making someone else, possibly even your own mother, love you the way that a mom should love her child. You may feel alone and like you’re the only one. You may have been told by others that they don’t believe you because that is not the person they know your mom to be. She is different behind closed doors than she is in the public eye. You feel like, or have been told that you’re the crazy one. Well, I want you to know that you are not crazy! This may be the very first time you’ve ever heard these words spoken to you, so I will say it again. You are not crazy! There are others that share your story too, and you need to know (and possibly see through my story) that there is freedom and healing on the other side of this sinkhole that you feel like you’re in.
My mom passed away this past July, and by seeking wisdom by talking with others, and especially, the Lord, I believe the time has come to stop tiptoeing around my story. I had been estranged from my mom for many moons before her passing. I did everything possible in order to connect with her and provided many chances for us to restore our relationship. Unfortunately, no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough. I continued to exhaust my efforts and even chose, on many occasions, to re-insert myself into her life, only to be rejected once again. I stayed accountable to my life coach, among many others, to make sure that I truly lived out Proverbs 20:22, “If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” I did everything that I possibly could, as far as it depended on me, in order to live at peace with my mom. Nevertheless, my mother ended up ultimately choosing to remove herself from my life, and even though this completely shattered my heart, I have no regrets with how I handled the situation. Even though I didn’t see her in her last days, I have felt an immense peace surrounding my decision to grant her request and to stay away.
Before the complete exile took place, I longed to spend quality, positive time with my mom. Even though I had been rejected over and over again, I still chose to enter her presence with a desire of hopefulness and anticipation that it would be good. I believe this is normal, especially with mothers and daughters. I believe that mothers have a distinct bond with their children that begins at conception. This bond continues even after birth. Sometimes this bond can be healthy, and other times it can become toxic. It wasn’t always bad. There were times when we did actually enjoy our time together, but more times than not, I would leave feeling emotionally abandoned and even more horrible about myself than I did when I arrived.
Honoring my mother’s decision for me to leave and to never return was not as easy as it may seem – even after years of the negativity, verbal abuse, and emotional trauma that I had endured. I sought council during this time, from multiple people, in whom I trust wholeheartedly. The people in which I sought council had a good track record for navigating relationships and personal growth. I did not seek counsel from only those who agreed with me. I sought counsel from those who challenged me. This road has been very long and very hard, but I have walked these places that I talk about here. Everything that I share about my story is spoken from my personal experience. I have navigated this road that I share about. It has been very hard, but I can assure you that it has also been rewarding to discover myself and who I really am underneath all the pain.
We all have a choice. We can leave and move on to a better situation and possibly a better life, or we can stay and allow the relationship to continue the way that it is. Staying with negative people and those who treat us poorly can have severe consequences on our physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing – as I previously revealed that it had on me. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and all kinds of stress-related illnesses. Toxic people can also prevent us from growing spiritually and fulfilling our God-given purpose. I think that can be evidenced by the fact that I kept tiptoeing around this subject that I felt the Lord prompting me to share, but no more! I am going to share as the Holy Spirit leads!
After a lifetime of enduring this kind of behavior, the severe emotional distress is what brought me to my breakdown in 2016. and if you want to hear more about my experiences, you can go back and listen to episode number 106, called Why Am I Here? That episode will explain a lot of why I do this podcast, and hopefully, you will get a small glimpse of some of the experiences that brought me here today. Knowing what you know now, combined with what you will hear in that episode will allow you to understand more of where I was coming from when I, oh so daringly, recorded that episode.
When we find ourselves around someone who constantly criticizes, belittles, or purposely uses intimidation to get what they want, this could mean that we may need to take a break from that person. Sometimes, this may mean going low-contact, or in some cases going no-contact may be a solution. In my particular case, I had been praying and seeking the Lord’s guidance on how I should proceed with my mom, and she decided to end it for me, by telling me to leave and to never return, and telling me that she never wanted to speak to me again. Like I said before, this was after a long and very difficult sequence of events, lies, and betrayals, so I had already been praying and contemplating on how to move forward, but she ended up taking the final step and ended it for me.
You know… there are different kinds of people in this world. There are those who can help shape us into a better person, and there are those who will not. The ones that we choose to surround ourselves with can either lift us up or tear us down. The people we spend the most time with are the ones who will influence us in one of these two ways. Spending time with the right people can be a game changer. My husband just said to me recently, that “relationships matter.”
Do you ever find yourself with others who don’t necessarily allow you to feel better about yourself but alternatively bring you down or make you feel worse about yourself than you did when you arrived? I said in the last episode that if you feel worse about yourself when you leave someone’s presence than you did when you first arrived, then you need to limit the amount of time that you spend with that person or group or possibly even leave all-together.
When I tell someone this, the first question they usually ask is, “What if it’s a family member. Does it still apply?” My answer is still yes. It still applies. When it’s a family member,especially a parent, it’s not always easy to limit the time that we spend with them, but we have to consider the cost – which would be our mental, emotional, and maybe even our physical health. If we already feel bad about ourselves, and we leave that family member feeling even worse, then yes. We absolutely have to limit the amount of time we spend with them, and this is exactly what I had to do with my mom. We allow family to do and say things and treat us in ways that we would never allow from a friend. We do it all in the name of “family.”
Even though my mom made the initial decision to tell me to go away and to never return and that she never wanted to speak to me again, it was also my decision to honor that request. However, had she not made that decision for me, I would have more-than-likely made it for myself. I was already in low-contact with my mom, due to her behavior, and going no-contact would have been the next step. Sadly, making this decision would have been the only one that would have allowed me to live in the peace that I so desperately needed.
If we deem that someone – even a family member – is toxic, then yes. We absolutely have the right to limit the time we spend with them. I really don’t like using the word toxic because I feel like that is such a buzzword these days, but I’m not really sure what other word to use in its place. If you know of another word that would be a better fit, please feel free to comment and let me know, but like I said, if we deem someone is toxic, we don’t always have to walk away completely. Unless the choice is made for us by the other person, we are the ones who have to choose and decide if that’s the right thing for us to do, or not. If we choose, we, individually, would be the one who has to live with the weight of that decision, and I believe that my decision to honor my mother’s request was right in this situation. YOU have to decide what’s right in your situation. But, what I can definitely tell you for sure is that once we have surrounded ourselves with more stable and wise people, it becomes easier to make better decisions and heal from the trauma of toxic friends and family members.
Proverbs 13:20 says to “walk with the wise and become wise, for the presence of fools suffers harm.”
I am going to let this be the end of today’s episode. Please leave a comment and let me know if this episode resonated with you at all. Thanks so much for listening. I hope and pray that you found this episode encouraging, inspiring, and freeing. I always want you to find value in this podcast and pray that every episode encourages you to create the life you love to live by also Transforming Every Area of your Life.
