Identity Crisis: Who Am I?
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What do these names mean to you? Bruce Banner – The Incredible Hulk, Clark Kent – Superman, Peter Parker – Spiderman, Besides all being comic book superheroes, all of these people have something else in common. They all live with an identity crisis. I wanted to name Wonder Woman, but, apparently, Wonder Woman didn’t have an alternate identity with a different name. At least no one on Google thinks so, and I couldn’t find out her other identity. I was thinking that maybe it’s just because she’s awesome all the time and not just when duty calls? Yeah…I don’t know.
The Incredibles were an entire family of alternate identities. Maybe there are some who feel that they live with that in the natural world. You know, your parents or family is one-way out in public but a totally different way at home behind closed doors. But, I think the one who had to biggest identity crisis may have actually been Iron Man. Sorry, Tony Stark. I love you, but you must admit that you do suffer from major identity crisis…or…did, but I probably need to stop there because I’m sure that no one wants to hear me ugly cry on the podcast.
According to some research, having an identity crisis can sometimes be considered a psychological issue. Some people can suffer from identity crises all of their life, while others may experience it periodically, and then others may begin to experience it at short times during their life when they are in situations that they allow to “define them.”
What exactly does it mean to have an identity crisis or to go through an identity crisis? Although very similar, an identity crisis is not the same as a Midlife Crisis. An identity crisis can occur at any time during your adult-life when your sense of self is challenged or your identity is questioned, and you suddenly find yourself without answers.
How do we know if we are going through an identity crisis? Can we recognize it ourselves? I wanted to know some of these answers myself, so I turned to healthline.com, and here Dr. Susan Whitbourne breaks this down a little bit for us. She says that “having an identity crisis isn’t a diagnosable condition, so there aren’t typical ‘symptoms,’ as with a cold or flu.” Then, she lists some of “the signs [that] you may be experiencing an identity crisis:
- You’re questioning who you are — overall or with regards to a certain life aspect such as relationships, age, or career.
- You’re experiencing great personal conflict due to the questioning of who you are or your role in society.
- Big changes have recently occurred that has affected your sense of self, such as divorce..
- You’re questioning things such as your values, spirituality, beliefs, interests, or career path that have a major impact on how you see yourself.
- You’re searching for more meaning, reason, or passion in your life.
It’s completely normal to question who you are, especially since we change throughout our lives. However, when it begins to affect your daily thinking or functioning, you may be having a crisis of identity.”
She actually has a very quick and very small test, on this link that you can take to see if you are going through an identity crisis, or not. I’ll put a link to that in my show notes on my website.
So…how do we fix it? If we think we’re having an identity crisis, how can we fix it? According to Dr. Whitbourne, “you can benefit from taking a step back and engaging in some serious exploration. Continuing on the path set for you by your family can lead to later discontent; the path through adulthood I call the ‘straight and narrow.’ Remaining diffuse, on the other hand, can lead a person to the negative outcomes associated with the ‘the meandering way’ (Whitbourne, 2010).
Constantly remaining in moratorium can also be detrimental in different ways, particularly if the individual’s continued explorations lead to tumultuous ups and downs. In contrast to these three negatively oriented trajectories, people who continually evaluate their commitments and make adjustments to achieve the greater realization of their identities (the ‘authentic road’) are most likely to achieve fulfillment throughout their lives.”
Now there’s a word… “authentic.” We hear a lot about being authentic these days, don’t we?
She mentioned something there that really stuck out to me, it was the part where she said, “Continuing on the path set for you by your family can lead to later discontent; the path through adulthood I call the ‘straight and narrow.’ I’ve talked before about not allowing others to shatter your dreams. This includes family. You have the dreams that God has put inside your heart; no one else has those dreams! I told you that “it’s up to YOU to figure out what YOU want to do for the rest of YOUR life. There’s a chance that some of you have already had some of your dreams crushed by parents, professors, friends, etc… Maybe some of you are feeling like you need to fulfill your parent’s dream instead of your own. If you have a dream, you have to remember that chances are that God has not given your parent, or professor, or your friend that very same dream. God has possibly not given your sibling that same dream either. So they are probably not going to understand.” The name of that episode is Dream Crushers, and you can find that episode and all my episodes on my website at teaoflifepodcast.com.
Constantly feeling the need to live up to someone else’s dream for you can definitely lead to an identity crisis. You never know who you are, or maybe you do…down deep inside, but you aren’t able to show who you are or be who you are in fear of being reprimanded or cast out from your friends or family. A few years ago, once I finally decided to wear who I really am and stop pretending, this is what happened to me. I realized that I wasn’t being who I wasn’t created to be, so I decided to step into that role, and some people began to shame me for it – telling me that I am no good, selfish… a disappointment, but I stood my ground…realizing that I wasn’t the one with the problem, and I am happier today because I finally stood strong in who I was.
I have a TV hero, and her name is Loreli Gilmore. Some of you knew exactly who I am talking about the moment I said her name; others of you will need help. She’s one of the main characters from the popular TV show, Gilmore Girls. Many times, I have said that I, myself, am Loreli Gilmore, and if you knew a large part of my story, you would probably agree.
For so long, I allowed someone else to tell me who I was, what I liked, who I should and should not be, who I should and should not be friends with, how I should walk, how I should talk, how I should spend my money…spend my time, what cars I should or should not buy, how I should decorate my house, plant my flowers, etc, and I always felt the disappointment when I didn’t live up to those dreams that were not mine. When I finally decided that I had to be who God created me to be and not who other people thought that I should be, you would probably think that it was suddenly easy sailing in total freedom for me, but it wasn’t. It was hard. My thoughts had been trained to go a certain way. I had to deliberately change my thought pattern, and that was a constant battle. In fact, even though it’s better, I still find my thoughts going in that direction.
I knew that I wasn’t that other person, but I had no idea who I really was. I had to explore new things, new likes, and dislikes. I had to discover who I really was and who I was really created to be.
I feel like I have gone through many identity crises’ with even this podcast. When April was with me, it took us a while to figure out who we really were, but then, she left, and I had to figure that all out again all by myself. I came into who I was at the time, but that was almost 2 years ago, and I feel that it may be changing again soon…and that’s ok. According to psychologists, I need to reevaluate myself every once in a while. What I get from this is that it’s not the questioning that causes an identity crisis, it’s the failure to execute that causes an identity crisis. The crisis part comes after not being able to execute who you really are after you have identified yourself.
It’s not the questioning that causes an identity crisis, it’s the failure to execute that causes an identity crisis. The crisis part comes after not being able to execute who you really are after you have identified yourself. Click To Tweet
So, here’s a question. How do we keep our children from having an identity crisis? Well, according to Psychology Today, “A strong identity emerges…from successfully resolving the developmental challenges that characterize the…childhood years. Having a strong identity in adolescence…rests in part on your having a strong sense of trust in infancy, autonomy in toddlerhood, ability to play as a preschooler, and solid work ethic in the elementary school years.”
If we find ourselves in an identity crisis, we are not doomed. Although it may be hard because being in the middle of an identity crisis can mean that we aren’t in the best state-of-mind, but there are some ways that we can maneuver ourselves out of them, and Dr. Dillon Brown gives us some ways on healthline.com.
He says, “Look inward and explore
Take some time out to really look within yourself and ask yourself some questions about what you like and don’t like anymore.
Ask yourself questions and see if you can answer them over time and if the answers help you figure things out. Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers — and they may change from year to year, or decade to decade.
Questions might include:
- What qualities and characteristics define you? How has this changed over the years?
- If you’re experiencing a major life change: How have things changed for you? Are you content with these changes? How can you cope with these new things occurring?
- What are your values? Is anything working in opposition to them?
- What are your interests, passions, and hobbies? Are you doing what you like to do, and if not, why not? (…what factors are preventing it?)
- What grounds you? What helps you cope when you’re struggling?
- What’s important to you regarding your values, purpose in life, or sense of identity? Is there anything you feel you can do to improve your sense of self?
Search for joy and other ways to cope
What makes you happy? What gives your life a sense of purpose and joy?
You don’t necessarily have to have the perfect job, but if you aren’t doing anything fulfilling in your life, then this might be why you feel like you’re in crisis.
You may find fulfillment in volunteering, taking up a new hobby, connecting with others, or any number of other things outside of your employment. Or, you may find that a new job will be a more appropriate match for who you are.
Find support
Having good social support can help influence how well you cope with big changes, stressors, or questions of identity. There are so many places you can find support…such as friends, your local church, counselor, therapist or life coach, your community. [The last episode, I talked about feeling a sense of belonging by getting out into your community.]
Ignore internal and external judgment
Other people’s expectations, as well as our own, can have a big effect on how we’re feeling. But don’t let society’s standards dictate who you are and what you should like.
Just because you’re of a certain age, gender, or cultural group, doesn’t mean that you need to follow along if you no longer believe in what you’re following.
Just because you’re of a certain age, gender, or cultural group, doesn’t mean that you need to follow along if you no longer believe in what you’re following. Click To Tweet
Your self-perception is important to your overall well-being, and spending time and energy on judgmental thinking can get you nowhere. It may take time for the people you love to understand any changes you make, but you’ll be happier in the long term if you’re true to yourself.
Seek outside help
If the stress ever gets to be too much, consider seeking outside help. This can come from a trustworthy friend or family member to talk to, or a mental health professional to help you resolve and cope with what’s going on.
Never feel afraid to ask for help. Life — especially big changes — can feel scary, but we all go through it.”
Back in episode 72, I talked about my 7 Simple Steps to Loving Your Life, and I believe that these 7 steps can help in every area of our life and even when we are experiencing an identity crisis.
My 7 Simple Steps to Loving Your Life include:
- Stop! This is a chance for you to recognize the problem – to identify the crisis. This is a chance for you to stop and recognize what may be contributing to the problem. Stand Still and recognize the situation for what it is. If necessary Seek Silence for yourself. Take this time to pray and meditate. Identify the cause of your identity crisis. What is making you feel the way that you feel? Name it! Call it out! Call it out by name, if necessary.
- Step Back or Separate Yourself and your emotions from the situation. This is a chance for us to take a look at and recognize from a distance what’s going on around you – to see things more clearly – to think a little more clearly. Sometimes we have to move backward in order to move forward. I’ve heard people say that “…to move forward, you need to step back in order to get better traction.” Take a few deep breaths while you step back. Stepping back also gets you away from the situation or madness that is causing your identity crisis, and it allows you to breathe. It also allows you to gather your thoughts. And, if you are an overthinker like me, stepping back allows you to see better or put things into a better perspective.
- Search your heart. What is it that you feel, and why do you think you are feeling what you feel? What is it that you want? What is your biggest heart’s desire? What do YOU want to do? If you are experiencing a crisis in your identity, something needs to change. What is it? Be completely honest with yourself and the people that you’ve chosen to confide in. What is your heart’s ultimate desire during this season?
- State Your “Why.” Your why in this situation would be for your emotions to heal – for you to know who you are and be confident in who you are. You want to be whole and confident so that you can be the best person for yourself, your family, your spouse, your kids… Your why will allow you to get back on track when your emotions get derailed. Your why will allow you to stay focused toward your goal of inner healing. Your why is very important to remember and to keep track of.
- And one of my favorites… Say NO! Say no to the things that do not line up with your why. In episode 56, Brandon and I talked about the benefits of saying no. We said that saying no actually allows you to say yes – saying no to the things that do not line up with your why allows you to say yes to the things that do. Whether we say yes or we say no, there’s always an opportunity cost involved. What we need to figure out is which opportunity we’re most willing to give up or live without in order to make things better for ourselves and our state of mind. Are we willing to give up emotional health, just so we can say yes to the things that are not beneficial to us or that do not push us in the right direction – that don’t push us into the direction of emotional or even physical healing?
- Step Forward (into the things that DO line up with your why) You have to seek and say yes to opportunities that allow you to move forward toward your goal and your emotional health and healing. Remember that progress is progress, and it’s not something that can really be measured. What I mean is, you don’t have to meet a certain milestone or criteria in order for it to be called progress. Progress is anything better than what you are doing now or anything that gets you closer to your goal. Even if you measure your progress by percentages and say that you are only 1% better in your crisis, that makes you 1% closer to your goal of emotional healing. Any progress toward emotional health is progress toward emotional health.
- Start Your Journey to living an emotionally healthy life and living the life you love! Then go out and live Ephesians 5:15-16, “Be careful, then, how you live – not as unwise but wise,” …and my favorite part in this is when Paul says… “MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY!”
My desire here is for you to love your life! We were not meant to live a life of anguish or misery. I believe that God desires for us to live our life in full: full of love, hope, grace, intention, laughter, and freedom – freedom like you’ve never known or experienced before, and I hope that I am able to push you in that direction in every episode I release.
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